Sunday, December 30, 2018

UNNUMBED

     I hope that everyone had a great holiday and is getting ready for the new year. As you know I spent Christmas with friends out in Clearwater. I made the best of it but I'm not gonna lie it was hard. It got worse for me as the day progressed. As much as I try to stay positive I'm only human, with mental illness to boot. My friend Deb just mentioned my boys and I crumbled. I warned her what would happen if she did. My eyes are like automatic shower heads when it comes to that. But I needed to feel that emotion. I have been blocking it all out because of how much it hurts. And I know that that isn't a good thing. Because now I'm seeing that every emotion is in overload because they were suppressed so long. Bryant bought me a scooter for Xmas. Finally, a way to get around. And it's beautiful. Candy apple red. The sad thing is though I have a phobia with bikes. When I saw it I went from happy to petrified. I had my first horrible full-blown panic attack in like two years. But I got on and tried. I bawled the whole time. What was supposed to be exciting was misery. Amplified x1000 because I've been suppressing. Today despite my blood pressure screaming no I tried again. Another anxiety attack. Both times the only thing that semi helped me was grounding myself. I learned that coping skill while in the woman's shelter. (you'll hear that story later) Thank god I learned that. The emotional stress I've dealt with the last few days made me crave my bubble.... oh I did I  mention I saw and felt spirit more than I have in months there? And they followed me home. A side effect of all the emotions I'm assuming. I think I liked being numb better.

Search This Blog

Popular Posts