MADNESS TO MAYHEM

​    Days have turned into weeks, weeks into months. I’m still in this bottomless rut with no sight of any sunlight. To add madness to mayhem someone filed taxes in my name so now I’ve got the label of identity theft to add to my already chaotic life. Once, just once, I’d like to live a calm serene life. But unfortunately, life hasn’t stopped throwing those crater sized obstacles my way. I feel like I’ve lost who I am, because quite honestly my identity is gone. My social has been replaced by a stupid IP pin and my credit is destroyed.        

     I’d like to believe I’m maintaining my sanity at an okay level because I know that when faced with a situation like this most people would crumble, especially those that suffer the illness I do. But I’m trying to maintain in my bottomless rut, I mean what choice do I have anyway. I have to keep fighting and keep trying to swim to the surface. Nobody can do it for me. And there’s nobody I’d let try. One step forward, two steps back, as they say. I’ll survive this too, one way or another. 

HOLDING ON TO THE LIGHT

    My life is ordinary to say the least. Every day is the same song and dance, and everyday I wonder how I've made it this long. How I haven't self-destructed into a puddle of my own despair, my own inner demons. Maybe it's my faith, or maybe just maybe it's the fact that I know that this isn't how it's going to be forever. There is a light at the end of my tunnel, even if it's very faint. God has blessed me with life and blessed me with my three loves. Even if their bastard father won't let me in. I have to keep the faith in knowing that things bad don't last forever and when you're at the bottom things can only come up. I have to believe that with all my heart. It's all I have to hold onto.

THREE MISSING PIECES

    So I have this aching inside me that just won't go away. I miss my boys. I miss them so much, it eats away at me more and more every day. I hate the fact that my ex has cut them off from me and refuses to let me in. I have begged, and I have begged for some type of relationship with them, but he's blocked me from every avenue.

  

      Last night, I had a dream that I was back in Pittsburgh, and back in the townhouse we once all shared. When I opened the door, there was a note from my mom telling me that she was proud of me for coming home and to not fuck it up this time. At first, it was quiet as I walked into the kitchen and then into the dining room. Then, off in the distance, I could hear noise coming from the upstairs. I walked over to the stairs and as I started to climb them it became clear that it was voices I heard. When I got to the top and entered the room that the boys had once shared, there was my Justin, now all grown up, staring at me with these lost eyes shocked at what he was seeing. I walked over now crying, and my heart became a puddle. I grabbed him and hugged him as tight as I could and promised I'd never leave him again. Holding his hand we walked into the second bedroom and there in front of me there they were. My other two angels sitting together, my Tony and my Luca. I just ran and hugged them, pulling Justin with me. We all just sat there hugging and crying, so happy to be united again. It was heaven.

   

     When I woke this morning, one thing was clear, I have to get back to them. Someway, somehow. I want them to know that I love them and I haven't forgotten about them. I've decided that from now until that day I will get on here and write them as much as I possibly can. Hopefully, they see it, it's my last hope at communication.

    And as far as today, I hope they find this entry, and slowly they can let me back in. I've missed so much, I can't miss anymore.

CHRISTIAN

    So I've been putting this off the last few days, not knowing what to say. I still don't want to believe it's real, I don't want to believe your gone. You told Bryant the first time you came to the house that he grew on you, well my dear sweet Christian you grew on us too. You were more than just our friend, you were our brother. I can't believe that you're gone. 

    

    I remember the first time we met. I watched this kid karate chop the fish table like speedy Gonzales and I remember thinking to myself, "My God, that has to be the weirdest kid I've ever seen.  What the fuck is wrong with him?" I think it was only a few days later that I had to tell you it too. I remember looking at you and saying, "Dude, what is your issue? You have got to be the weirdest person I ever met."

    You looked over across the table at me and that damn puppy dog face dropped and you simply said, "Sorry." Turned out it was the thing that everyone loved the most about you.

    It didn't take us long to form a friendship, although at first, I don't think I had a choice. Every time you saw me from that point on you made it a priority to come up to me, holding your arms out, demanding a hug. And at the beginning, until you formed a friendship with Bryant, you never once ended a hug without telling me how beautiful I looked. I'd call you a weirdo and that would be about that. But then our friendship really became a friendship and I appreciated it. Some of our talks were so deep I forgot who you were because you'd go to a totally different level. Your facade would come off for awhile. But quickly after one of our deep discussions you'd put that mask back on and act like everything was okay.

    You had a personality that anyone could love and despite having a totally fucked up time you were always smiling. I could never understand it, but I wished I could be like that a quarter of the time. 

    And then you met Bryant. And instantly you were brothers. You guys absolutely drove me nuts staying up all night rapping. Absolutely crazy. I'd sit up in my room listening to you two freestyling on top of each other and laughing at each other's stupid words. And I'd just chuckle.

    I know how much you looked up to Bryant, even if he didn't. I would watch you stare at him for one of his many get your shit together lectures, and even if you thought it was complete bullshit you would listen to every single word. Even when he talked your ear off all night. 

    You couldn't begin to imagine how losing you affected him right off the jump. I've only seen him cry maybe once or twice in six years and you my dear managed to accomplish the third. I spent two days in bed crying my eyes out not wanting to believe it could be true too.

    The last time I saw you you came home with Bryant at 5am. I was livid at all of you coming in that late. We had gotten in an argument before that and when you came over u pulled out the puppy dog face again, telling me sorry. I remember still being pissed from our fight but telling you we were good, just to shut you up. 

    Fuck man, and then you went to do your ninety days for the Gameroom raid that Bryant and I bonded you out of at first. Before you went to jail I really thought you were talking shit, I really did. And I was pissed. The last message I left you was cold and so mean. Thankfully, Bryant made me erase it before you had a chance to read it. I hope you didnt anyway. 

    I'm sorry for being so upset with you, I wish I could tell you this now, to your face. Why did this have to happen, why did you have to be so stupid. I loved you like my own brother, you were family to us. You've forever changed everyones lives that knew you and loved you. 

    From what I was told you were supposed to be okay, they had you breathing again. But you started seizing and some dumb motherfucker just left you, not calling 911 or anything. What the fuck is wrong with people, how could they be so inhumane. I hope to god I never see that dumbfuck, even though I honestly dont know who he is. But rest assured Sharkey, he got his ass beat because you lost yours. 

    I'm gonna miss you so much, you have no idea. As for Bryant, you guys were on a totally different level than you and I. His heart is shattered because of this. His best friend, his brother is gone. Please Christian, help him get through this, help us all get though it. You were one in a million, and we will miss you terrribly. I hope you found peace wherever you are, because you derserved it. Up until I met you I thought I wore the best facade, but you my friend surpassed me. I applaude you.   

UNABLE TO SEE THE SURFACE

    Never in my life did I think I'd get to this point in my life. Never did I think I'd ever be drowning so deep that I couldn't see the surface above me. But right now, at this moment that's exactly where I am. An endless sea of stress and worry, a constant bottle of Xanax by my side just to leave my house.     

    Now granted, there have been times in the last few years that I've felt my world shatter around me, not having my boys, the cheating, the constant chaos. But I gotta say, besides not having my boys, this time surpasses them all. I'm not sure how to fix it and reach the surface once again. 

    I have no one to blame but myself, I know this to be true, and I'd never deny it or try to make any excuses for it. I took for granted yet again what I had or could have had, and now I'm left in my own nightmare waiting for the volcano to finally erupt. All that strength I had not that long ago is gone once again and Aprel is once again the girl in her bubble.

     My fear though, is that this time around I'll only be able to see one way out of my madness, feeling terrible that it will forever hurt and affect so many that love me. I hope I'm wrong and can find another solution, but as of now, that's the only logical one I see. God, forgive me...  

I’M BACK!

      After six months of not being able to get into my account I’m so happy to say I finally can get into my beloved #InDah’sEyes. It’s calming and exciting to be able to write once again. But first, I have one order of business to take care of. A message to my first born. If your reading this my son, I love you. I am more than willing to do what you asked of me to save a relationship I wasn’t sure I’d ever get back. I hope this will get me back into your heart and into your life. I love you my sweet angel. And I’m sorry for upsetting you. That was not my intention.

MESSY AND PAINFUL

    Life is messy, life is painful. We don't always like the cards we are dealt with but we have to play them anyway. We are all given choices in life, which ones we choose to take are on us. Our whole lives we are faced with the tests that God has given us. But we never know when they are in fact tests or if we passed them. We won't find that out until our journey on Earth is over.

    And there are periods in our lives that we'd much rather forget when we choose one of those wrong choices and have to suffer the consequences. And this folks would be karma giving it to us right up the ass with no lube and us having to take it because that's just how it works. And after karma is done with us we have two choices. 1) Crawl inside our bubbles like little bitches feeling sorry for ourselves (like I did for so many years), or 2) Stand up, rub our asses and look karma straight in the eyes and ask it if that's the best it got. And as we turn around to walk away laughing, we tell karma to go fuck itself.

     And for a short time, we are victorious until that day when karma returns for a visit after another bad choice is made. And it will happen again, this I know for sure because that's how life is. Messy and painful.

    

I DON'T KNOW WHY

     I don't know why I'm having so much trouble moving on. The way he treated me was terrible. Constant cheating and constant lies, constant disrespect. There were alot of times in five years that were good though, times I'll cherish forever.

     Thinking about it I do know why I'm having so much trouble, and the answer is really so simple. I love him. I'm still madly in love with the man who made me last, and I wish I could figure out why.

     Maybe it is his gentle heart, or his soft touch. Or it could be the man I saw behind closed doors, the man who revealed to me his innocence, the part that no one else was allowed to see. God I miss resting my head on his soft, smooth chest, the place where I felt the safest.

     I refuse to believe him when he said that we grew apart and that I deserve better. That is farthest from the truth because despite all the craziness, there was no man alive that was more perfect to me. My perfect imperfection.

CHRISTMAS SLUMBER

     First and foremost, I'd just like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. May your days be merry and bright, yada yada yada. This year, I have decided that I will sleep the day away. My life is a total tabockle right now and I don't see it changing by New Year. So my shitty life and shitty luck will surely pour over into 2021. Marvelous. 

     This is another Christmas without my boys, every one of them more difficult than the last. I'd like to think that this will be the last Christmas I spend without them, but honestly, I just don't know. I just try and leave that in God's hands. To point me in the right direction.

      For now though, I spend my Christmases alone, with an aching in my heart revealing to me that something is definitely missing. Try and picture razor blades stabbing you repeatedly in the chest. That's the pain I feel everyday missing them as much as I do. 

     I can't explain how awful it feels to be alone on christmas. Even though there's another body in the house you're still yearning for someone beside you. My situation with him has only gotten worse and I wasn't sure if I'd even make it to see Christmas. Everyday I die a little more inside missing my babies and missing that love that I thought I had in him. It truly would be a miracle if we could go one day without actually arguing. I feel like I've wasted the last five years fighting for his love when I should have done the right thing and fought for the three that needed it the most. I can sit here and say that I'm suffering but in all actuality who's really doing all the suffering?

DEFEATED ONCE MORE

      Defeated...that's how I feel. I cant for the life of me catch a break and I feel like everything refuses to go my way. When did I manage to loose all control of my life and forget my priorities? 

      My life is a pile of shit right now, and it doesnt look like its getting any better, only worse. I hate when Karma rears it's ugly head at me and reminds me of my fuck ups. Leaving PA and my boys behind was my biggest one. As a result, for the rest of my life karma will remind me of this. I'll never be happy, a constant reminder of the mistake I made. 

      I did think for one short period that things were looking up, that maybe it was my time to shine. But karma quickly hit me in the gut, reminding me of how stupid I was to even think of something so rediculous. 

     I have fought so hard lately to keep it together and not fall apart. But a long time ago and without me realizing it my foundation decided to start crumbling from the inside out. And it just continues to. I keep wondering when God is going to say that I've suffered long enough and begin to clear the clouds above my head, reveiling the sunlight once again. 

     Years and years of saddness and pain, when does it finally do a person in? I've finally reached my breaking point, it's over. The woman who once caught a glimpse of happiness is defeated, once more.