KITTEN

      I haven’t been able to speak of it until now. What happened the end of August was probably on my top ten of hardest things I’ve had to go through in my life. Things like that change a person and it’s something that I can honestly say will stay with me forever. 

      August 23rd was my Tonys birthday, every year when another birthday passes my heart hurts more and more. Anyway, as I was wallowing in self-pity my phone went off. "Hi Kitten" popped up on my screen. It was my Aunt Emily checking in as she often did sometimes fifty times a day. There was a period of like five years where we didn't speak, and we had just recently made amends and instantly were close again. She had moved two streets in front of me like six months prior, so we were always communicating, and she was always knocking at my slider. I enjoyed the visits, and she enjoyed my company as well. 

      After finishing our conversation I went about my business, I enjoyed our little talk and felt better. The next couple of days I went about my life and all the bullshit that came with it. The 28th was Bryant and my nine-year anniversary. For the first time ever, we had plans to go out on a date. I was so happy.

      As I was getting ready, my aunt popped into my head. I realized that I had not spoken to her for five days and figured I'd give her a call and check in. When I called it rang and rang and I was sent to voicemail. This wasn't abnormal for her though. Usually, she would go to bed pretty early and then around 3-4am she'd be up, and she'd message me. Bryant and I went out and stayed out till probably 5am. I was so happy that when we got home, I didn't even realize how late it was. I went to bed and that was that. 

     Two days later, around 4pm my aunt popped into my head again. I realized that she never called me back from two days prior and a nervous feeling came over me. I dialed her phone and this time; it went straight to voicemail. Instantly, I called my uncle. He informed me that he hadn't spoken to her since he had seen her on the 22nd and asked me to go check on her.

      Reluctantly, I agreed to go over and make sure everything was okay. I didn't know why, but I had a really, really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I went outside and told Bryant that I'd be back. He just nodded and went about his business. I stayed on the phone with my uncle as I walked over and expressed to him the worry that had come over me. When I reached the trailer, all was quiet. Exactly what I didn't want to hear.

    As I approached the door, I realized that feeling in my stomach hadn't been for no reason. About five feet away from it I looked up at the window and I knew that I didn't want to go any farther. There was about a dozen flies that had made their home there. My aunt had a boxer, and my uncle kept asking why the dog wasn't barking. All I heard was silence. I told him about the flies in the window and told him that I didn't want to go in. Forcing me to, I got about two feet from the door, and I was hit with the smell of decomposition. It's a smell I didn't think I'll ever forget. As I opened the door, I felt like I was in a horror movie, swarms of flies came rushing out and the smell about knocked me on my ass. When I walked in, I was only able to take one step up into the trailer. I first looked to my left towards the kitchen. The poor dog was lying there, dead. I couldn't believe it. I screamed out to my uncle that he was gone, and my uncle automatically asked where my aunt was. I turned my head to the right and oh my god, what I saw I will never forget. There lying on the bed was my aunt, on her back, with nothing on from the waist down. Her stomached had distended so much it looked as if she was twenty months pregnant. I screamed out in terror to my uncle telling him that she was dead. I looked up at her face as he was asking me if I was sure, and I only was able to look for a second. Her face was swollen, purple and distorted, it didn't even look like my poor aunt. I screamed out in panic and told him I had to call 911 as he was telling me to do the same. I ran out of the house and fell to my knees as I called, I couldn't believe what I had just found. My poor aunt in there six days dead. Six days she laid in a hot box because the breaker had blown probably the first day and killed the air conditioning. 

    For probably two weeks after finding her I didn't want to go to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes her face was the only thing I saw. The guilt of not going over there sooner to check on her is something that will weigh on me probably the rest of my life. One thing is for sure, I definitely need some intense therapy after all of this. 

MISSING MARJ

    The last few weeks have by far been some the hardest days of my life. Just when I thought that I couldn't feel more alone the unthinkable happens. Something I prayed would never happen, the very same thing that now questions my faith and everything in between. 

    February 27, 2024, started like any other day. I was (and still am) dealing with yet another one of my man's messes. That evening we had gone to the game room to try our luck at the fire links. when you play you tend to get hypnotized and tune out the outside world. Well, I do anyway. I hadn't noticed that my other half had abandoned me there alone to call my own uber. I was pissed to say the least and choked back my tears as the uber took me home. Once there I instantly grabbed my phone to see if I could track where he was. Once I did, I instantly called my bff Marj to see where she was and ask her to pick me up. I was ready to go hunting. She answered telling me that she was out but would come get me. It was already two in the morning, but one thing was for sure. Day or night, I could always count on Marj to be there for me and save the day. We text for a while, actually till about four thirty. I decided to video chat her and see where she was. She answered and said "Bitch, my phones on three percent so I can't talk but I love you and I'll call ya back." I told her I loved her back and hung up the phone. I thought to myself, "Well I guess I'm not going anywhere". 

    Later that day, now February 28, 2024, I spent the day doing my usual meaningless shit. And around 7:45pm I figured I give Marj a call to see why she bailed on me that morning. She didn't answer, but that girl was always on the go. I brushed it off like I always did, she'd call me back when she could. But this time, I would wait for a call that never came.

    Around 8:30pm, my phone went off, it was a message from Marj's bf Cal. "Hey" he said, and I replied, "what's up" His answer is one I don't think I'll ever forget. "Shes gone Aprel" he texts back. Confused I asked him who. "Marj" he said. My heart instantly fell to my stomach. He called instantly and I picked up the phone screaming. "What do you mean she's gone? What the fuck are you talking about." "Shes dead Aprel, Marj is dead. She overdosed." No, this couldn't be happening, I had just spoken to her that morning. But it was true. My best friend, my sister was gone. And all I could do was scream and cry. I had asked Cal if her mom, aunt and son had been called. He told me that her son was there now and that he had called the other two. I couldn't believe this was real and assumed that it was a sick joke. My next call was to her aunt, I needed to hear it myself. Little did I know that neither her nor the mom knew a thing. So, when I called her asking her if this was a sick joke, I was actually the one delivering the news. Talk about feeling like shit. Next, I called my other half cuz of course he wasn't there. 

    I yelled at him to come home but of course he was off in his own little world. next, I called my mom and cried to her. My mom just sat there listening to me cry. The only thing she seemed to be able to say was that she was sorry. When I got off the phone, I just sat there numb. I couldn't believe this; I couldn't believe that my best friend was gone. She had promised me just a month before that she would never touch the deadly shit that ultimately killed her. She promised me. I called another one of our mutual friends and made my rounds letting all the people in our circle know. Then once I was done, I sat there, realizing how alone I was. I kept thinking that this had to be a dream and kept telling myself to wake up. Marj was my best friend for seven years. She was the only person I trusted, and I told her everything. Our friendship was the perfect combination. I was the nerd and would always be the one thinking logically and she was the muscles. I can honestly say that I was never afraid when I was with her because I knew that bitch always had my back. Always. She in turn knew that I always had hers. 

    Three weeks have now passed since she left me, and I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do without her. I'm clueless and I'm heart broken, and I don't think I'll ever be right again. It's hard for a person like me to form a bond with anyone and trust them completely, and with her it was easy. Even in death she will always be my best friend and I'll miss her forever. I loved her like a sister, and I'm blessed that I had seven years to call her my bestie. She taught me so much and made me a stronger person. It's things like that I'll never forget, and she will on through my memories. RIP my best friend, till we meet again, I love you. Marjory Elizabeth Devlin 3/10/1987-2/28/2024, my friend, my sister. fly high bitch. I hope you're up there shaking niggas like earthquakes. I miss you....

         

MONSTER

      My head is about to explode, the pain is more than I can bare. I gave my heart, my soul, my life, to someone who took it for granted. Someone who in the end turned everything around and made it all my fault, breaking me down a little more every time he found something new to blame me for. I can't bear the thought of being without him, but I know that this abuse will only get worse. In my mind I can still see how it once was, and it makes it hard for me to breathe. All the times I've forgiven him for the countless things that he has done to me. The lying, the sneaking and the cheating and this is how I'm repaid? All I did was love him, support him and forgive him and now I'm looked at as the enemy, blaming me for all these countless things that he's made up in his head. It breaks my heart. I once thought of him as my soulmate and now I can't believe that he looks at me as the enemy. It makes no sense. If I had done all of these things that he's accused me of then I could understand but I haven't. Not one. Every day is spent walking on eggshells, waiting for the new ball to drop and the abuse to start again. All the cruel and vindictive things that he has said to me, it makes me want to just die. The thought that he could really think of the only person that has been there for him through everything and still stayed by his side as a monster, as the enemy, it just blows my mind. I don't know what to even do from here because there is no talking sense to him, his mind is already made up. But why me? All I did was show him love, I can't believe that this is happening. Ending it all over shit that isn't even true. And in the back of my mind, I wonder if somewhere down the road he will realize that he was so very wrong about all of these things. How will he feel then? Nothing. I'm sure that he will feel nothing. But maybe just maybe, the man I fell in love with is somewhere in there if only just a little. I'm almost forty-two years old, I don't want to have to start over again, not that I would anyway. They say that in life we each only have that one person, and he was mine. I can't believe that I'm living this nightmare. I keep trying to wake up, but every time I do, I'm blamed for yet another thing that isn't true.